Attack

It's been almost a whole year.
I guess I should've known it would happen again.
It's so sneaky. I think I'm okay, then the next minute, I'm not.
I try to talk myself out of it... "I'm better than this! Just breathe!"
But it slowly builds and starts to take over my world.
Then I can't breathe.
As much air as I'm taking in, you'd think I'd pass out, but it's not enough.
I see darkness trying to creep over my vision.
Fresh air doesn't help.
Everything is wrong. "But there is no reason to panic!" I tell myself.
I'm hot. And cold. And dizzy. I don't think it is going to stop.
I look for him, my husband, watching me from our bed.
He doesn't know how to help. He can't feel how out of control I am.
But I need him. I get off the floor and find my way to the bed.
I can't control the breathing.
I lay beside him. He's warm.
His arms surrounds me, and his steady hand starts to circle my back.
He's done this before. He knows how to chase away the panic that has taken over.
I don't know what I'd do without him at this point.
I concentrate on the slow, steady circles. My heart begins to slow.
My mind stops spinning, and I realize how tired I am.
How long has it been? Did I wake the baby?
My breathing starts to become manageable.
But my head is pounding.
Sleep. I just want sweet sleep.


He called from work this morning to see how I was.

I was hoping it was just a nightmare.

Wonder.

I think that's the word to describe what I felt tonight, rocking Aali to sleep. At one point she took the bottle out of her mouth and it fell to her neck, spilling water there. I took the bottle aside and wiped the water away with my finger, and she looked up at me almost encouraging me to continue. So I kept stroking her newly bathed, baby soft neck and she kept looking at me with her big beautiful, sleepy eyes. We just stared. I was overwhelmed with emotion... how did this 'little bit of a thing'* come my way? How on earth did God put this child in my arms? My arms? To protect, to love, to teach and care for? Her sweet face, her bright eyes studying me.

I was filled with wonder tonight. And there's no going back from here. She's imprinted on my heart forever.

* Aaliyah is quite small for her age, and my Grandma has said a few times, "Oh, isn't she just a little bit of a thing!" I thought it was so sweet :)

Sunday afternoons...

Lately Sunday's have been incredibly busy for us. Always full of great things... church, lunch, hanging out, Nascar, family suppers, house stuff. I love to do all of this, but sometimes I just want to nap, or sit in the sun outside, or just be at home with Nick.

Since we've taken in Aaliyah, we have had more Sunday afternoons at home, napping, lounging and being together. I like it. That's what Sunday afternoons are for.

If I had 1 million dollars...

*I would finish our house (Or I would just buy a new one...)

I would buy Nick a new truck

*I would pay off the visa bill

I would take our whole family back to Egypt

I would hire Ray Lamontagne to do a private house concert

I would invest in some outrageous new product

I would do research and donate big-time to a good charity

I would buy GNF a new facility (Or just pay off debts)

*I would buy a new bicycle

I would buy all my family iPhones (Yes, even the kids...)

I would hire a personal Masseuse/Chiropractor (They would have to be trained in both areas)

*I would probably get another dog (Because I'll have a big yard in the country)

*I would record another CD

I would buy Don Amero a new guitar

*I would renovate the cabin

*I would put money away

I would fund Tom and Nick's mechanic business

*I would help Cor and Daryl find a way to have a bambino

*I would buy the lot next to our family cabin

I would buy that piece of the beach at our cabin

I would go to a big concert once a week

*I would have self sufficient home (Solar panels, geothermal, big garden, cow, chickens...)

I would produce a short film

*I would buy a new wardrobe of clothes

I'm sure I could think of more... What would you do?

* things I think we could actually achieve without a million dollars (or accomplish in the next 10 years)

Nap-Time Crafts

Well, I actually wrote this post yesterday (What? Two in one day? What is going on??) I know, I know, but I was really excited to show you what I made!! Aaliyah sleeps a lot during the day. I was a little surprised at how much free time I get when we're at home. And since I can't do any "loud"* things during her naps, I 've been pretty crafty this week!

I started a little craft** that will go in her room upstairs (when it's completed). I like the idea of having her name around so she can learn the letters and have something fun to look at. So I started with this: (the bright napkins are from becky's napkin flowers from her wedding decor)

And ended with this! The little flowers were actually stamped out of our wedding invitations... I can't believe I still had them!

I had some bird templates from my cd release party that worked well for these little pictures. It all came together rather nicely, I think!

I wanted to do these out of fabric, but after I put Aaliyah to sleep one day, I couldn't really go out and get some. I didn't think I would have had everything I needed to complete this, but I guess I'm craftier than I thought I was. Ha. Anyway, I hope to do more of this, it's fun, and quiet and cute!

*she actually sleeps through a lot of stuff; traffic, dog barking, our creaky floors. But I haven't tried the vacuum yet... I probably won't vacuum while she's sleeping :)

**I actually stole the idea from my cousin Carolyn. Thanks!

Insta Parents!

So. Where to begin...

My younger sister Becky starting doing respite for a baby about 5 months ago. She is the cutest little thing. Nick and I fell in love with her instantly. Her name is Aaliyah (I know, crazy spelling, but whatever)

She's been in foster care for the better part of her life now and when she was about 8 months old, we found out that her foster mother would be moving out of the city and could no longer take care of her. With the thought of babies in our future, and knowing conditions she was living in, it was hard to imagine us not taking her in. It was fast, and is still somewhat unpredictable, but we are now responsible for a 10 month, living breathing human being! I mean, most people who have babies get to have that 9 months preparation time. Being thrown into it has really turned our world upside down. But I guess any baby will do that, with prep or not.

It's been hard, emotional, exhausting, fun, exciting and.... well an adventure. And it hasn't even been two weeks! It's a bit scary to think that for the next couple years, there's always a chance she could be placed somewhere else, or taken back by her parents. Although it is unlikely, she's not completely ours. That's hard to deal with sometimes. But while she's in our care, she's our child, our family, and will be loved and treated like so. There's no other way to think about it.

We love her.

November 2008.

That is the month we purchased our first little house. A few days after we signed the papers we started demolition. Today it's still a work in progress, and it kind of got to me this week. I'm sick of renovating. 3 1/2 years is a long time for a "project" of sorts. A project you can leave in a workshop or a garage is one thing; leave it, forget about it, come back when you want... It's different when it's your home. I'm constantly dusting, always sweeping the grit, vacuuming the dust and dirt. There seems to be a lot of little things unfinished, areas I would rather wear shoes in, things I hate looking at now because it's a constant reminder we are living in chaos. No matter how much I clean or de-clutter, I'm never satisfied, I never feel at ease about my surroundings.

I'm really good at ignoring it by keeping my eyes on the TV or a book, but that doesn't last forever, I'm always forced back into reality: we still have a lot of work to do.

My husband works hard. Father and Father-in-law? Amazing, both in their own right. So many other family members and friends and hired professionals have had a hand in turning this little dump into a strong, warm, safe, inviting home. Our home. And though it may seem like I'm complaining, I know this is what we chose. I know we are incredibly lucky. I know this won't last forever. But it's all we know right now, and it's getting to me. I'm sick of being that "half-finished house" on our street. Like a lot of things in life, it's hard to see the finish line. I know it's going to be a beautiful home, it already is. I just want it to be a finished beautiful home.

February?? Already!?

2012 is flying by. Why is that? When I was younger, years seemed like AGES of time. Now they fly by, the next one faster than the last. I know a lot happened last year, but it's like it all happened last week. I want to slow down. I did slow down... for 7 days... I think Time actually slowed down. And it was lovely.

Cuba was am-A-zing, and relaxing and warm. Everything we needed. (Well not "needed", but whatever :) It was hard to get back into the swing of things, but I do like home too.

One of my Opa's said something like, "Once you get that Florida sand between your toes, you're hooked". I could say the same for Cuba. Can't wait to go back there. (Or somewhere like it!)

Food Headache...

Or I guess it's a no-food headache.

I don't know why I get a headache when I don't eat enough. I will get the normal stomach growls and hunger feeling, then it's like it all disappears from my gut and goes to my head.

I've been cutting down on my food intake this week, well today is the first day I guess. Anyway, I cut all sugar from my diet, and I think that is what is causing me this head pain. Could I really have withdrawal from chocolate?! It has been a constant food group this holiday season...

I told one of my co-workers that she should watch out for me on Wednesday. It is day three of the cleanse and the worst day of 5. It's like your body starts to hate on you for the lack of yummy treats and wheaty things. And you start to wonder "Why? Why am I doing this to myself?" And the only time you actually feel "good" is when you're sleeping because your brain is turned off. And even when you try to ignore it, the cravings turn into anger. You know you can't have that juice, or that piece of fruit and the frustration of it starts building up inside. And sounds start to annoy you, and people start getting on your nerves, then you snap at your husband for saying something totally normal!

"I want to do this". 24 hours ago it seemed like a sensible thing. Now, I'm questioning myself. Do I really need to lose a few pounds? I'm not fat by any means. I wanted to feel healthier. Or did I just want to shed my unwanted love handles before Cuba... I guess both.

I think I'm starting to understand that I have the weakest will in the world. I complain about my pudge a lot, and when I finally kickstart a change I can't deal with the sacrifice; food. It's not that I'm obsessed with it, but I love, love, love certain things. Bread and chocolate, and apple juice, all of which I can't have for five days. Four days. I think I know I'll feel better about myself when this is all over with, but I'm not happy right now.

But don't worry dad, I did get my heart rate up today, and Neko's happier for it.

I just want. And I don't need. Four days. Me and my gut are frustrated.

morning post

I've noticed that my way of thinking in the morning is vastly different than at night. I really do like blogging later in the day... I don't know why really. Maybe I need to warm up, or let my day sink in... whatever.

Anyway, it's been a while! The Christmas/New year holiday was great. It was fun and oh so satisfying to be with the ones I love most in the world, and eat and drink and be very merry :) If I could just live in a perpetual state of holiday season for the rest of my life, it would be like heaven for me. And it doesn't seem to be ending for me! Just a couple weeks ago we booked an All Inclusive trip to Santa Maria, Cub

a (well, the island of Santa Maria) and I am SO excited! There is a part of me that feels guilty for doing all inclusive. It's just a little excessive, and maybe I am being selfish. But I guess I'm paying for it. It will be fu-UN though. Here is the list of people coming so far: Justin and Nicole, Melodie, Annika, Leia, Corrie, Daryl, Bec, Tom, Nick and I, and Cam P. It's gonna be a part-ay!!

Anyway, I have to start thinking of what to take. I don't usually overpack, but I'm so excited this time!! Nicholas will keep me in check. We're leaving in 13 days! Anyone else want to come? You're welcome t

o!

Cuba Trip of 2012! Yay!