so. this has been my thought process for the last few months:
I write songs. I also write music to go with these songs. I want to make a CD. I don't have any money, and very little time to spend on all this. what if people don't like my music? what if people are critical of my writing? i might take it too personally if people don't like my music. I don't have a lot of confidence, but I know that when it comes down to it, my music is really all I have to express who I am; to express the "me" that not even my sisters see. so what do I do? start? with the little time and money I do have? put everything I have into this thought? that seems too scary to me. i don't want to do it for the wrong reasons either... what happens if I do make a CD and then it stops there? sure family and friends might buy it, but what about people who don't know me? will they like me? will they like my music?
I was reading Cynthia's blog yesterday about her worries for Abbi. I don't know what it is like to have a child, obviously, but of what I have learned and heard about it, it has become an analogy for this CD project. as a woman (and man...) creates a child, I will create this CD. with love and care and support from others I will put a lot of myself into this CD. through the whole process of writing the words and music I will begin to nurture this project and begin to give a part of me to the world. much like when a baby is born, so this CD will be released and subject to the criticisms of those that listen, and I will have made this part of me completely vulnerable to the world and its sometimes hateful eyes. And not only will I be worried about what people think about my creation, but I will worry about what they think of me, the creator... will I be liked? will my CD make a good impression? will those who witnessed me making it have criticise the way I did it?
like a woman has her first child, this will be my first CD. I don't know exactly how to do it! I will say, "Please don't judge it! Don't judge the way I made it and how I cared for it, and put my very self into it! This is a part of me! You judge it and you judge me! This is my first one! I don't know what I'm doing!"
some people think it comes so naturally... the words.. the music... and it does to a point, but then I have to step out of my comfort zone and open the door and try not to let anything bad in while I let the good out, and give it away. when a mother lets her child out of her safe arms and allows it to be subject to the world, it can hurt, the child and the mother, and I'm so afraid of what could happen with my music if I lay it out there for everyone to pick at. after all the time and energy and love and sweat and tears and all of myself I put into it...
I know I can't really compare this to a child, and I could never relate to Cynthia's worries at this time in my life. I'm just nervous, and I want to do this the right way, in the right timing. I just don't think I'm ready right now.