Thursday, February 08, 2007

songwriter?

so. this has been my thought process for the last few months:
I write songs. I also write music to go with these songs. I want to make a CD. I don't have any money, and very little time to spend on all this. what if people don't like my music? what if people are critical of my writing? i might take it too personally if people don't like my music. I don't have a lot of confidence, but I know that when it comes down to it, my music is really all I have to express who I am; to express the "me" that not even my sisters see. so what do I do? start? with the little time and money I do have? put everything I have into this thought? that seems too scary to me. i don't want to do it for the wrong reasons either... what happens if I do make a CD and then it stops there? sure family and friends might buy it, but what about people who don't know me? will they like me? will they like my music?
I was reading Cynthia's blog yesterday about her worries for Abbi. I don't know what it is like to have a child, obviously, but of what I have learned and heard about it, it has become an analogy for this CD project. as a woman (and man...) creates a child, I will create this CD. with love and care and support from others I will put a lot of myself into this CD. through the whole process of writing the words and music I will begin to nurture this project and begin to give a part of me to the world. much like when a baby is born, so this CD will be released and subject to the criticisms of those that listen, and I will have made this part of me completely vulnerable to the world and its sometimes hateful eyes. And not only will I be worried about what people think about my creation, but I will worry about what they think of me, the creator... will I be liked? will my CD make a good impression? will those who witnessed me making it have criticise the way I did it?
like a woman has her first child, this will be my first CD. I don't know exactly how to do it! I will say, "Please don't judge it! Don't judge the way I made it and how I cared for it, and put my very self into it! This is a part of me! You judge it and you judge me! This is my first one! I don't know what I'm doing!"
some people think it comes so naturally... the words.. the music... and it does to a point, but then I have to step out of my comfort zone and open the door and try not to let anything bad in while I let the good out, and give it away. when a mother lets her child out of her safe arms and allows it to be subject to the world, it can hurt, the child and the mother, and I'm so afraid of what could happen with my music if I lay it out there for everyone to pick at. after all the time and energy and love and sweat and tears and all of myself I put into it...
I know I can't really compare this to a child, and I could never relate to Cynthia's worries at this time in my life. I'm just nervous, and I want to do this the right way, in the right timing. I just don't think I'm ready right now.

7 comments:

Heather said...

Kim - you are so VERY talented. You have to trust your talent and believe that God gave it to you for a reason. I'm glad you're already using it to bless people like myself at GNF and I know that you will bless alot more people with it in the future.

Your comparison with having a child is pretty accurate. Just like sending my kids out into the "world", I face the same fears when sending out my "talents". Along the way, both have received rejection, and my skin's not always thick enough to handle it. But we have to keep trying.

Megs said...

Yes Kim
I can identify with your worries. I write. I write all the time, and someday I would like to have a book of memoirs published, but what if no one buys it? What if I get reviews and people tell me that they hate my style, what if they dislike the very essence of me that I have displayed on paper? Shrug. All I know is that I'm good at writing. And you are sooo good at writing and making music and if this is supposed to happen, and you are supposed to make a CD to display your talent and affect others with your God given gift, then it will happen. Just trust.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kim,

As you know, I think your awesome and I'll support you any way I can(Except with money... we still too poor!) I think you should continue with the whole mother analogy and release it in November!

Anonymous said...

Oh ya, that anonymous post was by me Don :)

Linda said...

I agree with Heather. You are so VERY talented. You must follow through with a CD because one day, you will be sorry that you never did. Just take one step at a time. Lots of other people have done it and they didn't have money or time either. They just began the process. You have begun too. Just keep going. One step at a time.

Michele said...

you MUST.
that's all.

Celindy said...

I can totally relate to everything you just said. I've looked at the CD's on sale in the .99c bin at Hull's and thought what if I make a CD and it ends up there!! What if no one can relate to the stuff in my life.

What I think now is. . .

Leave the rest of the world out of it. You, your keys and your love, that's all you need to create your baby. The rest will fall into place. I have a computer recording program if you want to do some demos.

P.S. As I've said, girl your voice kicks ASS!! I KNOW you don't have to worry about people buying your CD, they SO would!!

And even if they don't who cares!! I've let what other people said about me stop me from doing SO much! Don't let people "should" all over you. Even if no one buys it would you love your baby any less if you poured your soul into it??

Go for it when you feel ready!! Put me on the buyer list I want a copy!!