today I had a voice recital. nothing too big, just a few other students that my voice teacher happens to teach. so I thought. it turns out that no one had anything to do today, so they all came to see the, mabye 8 people who were performing, in this small, hot drama classroom. so I was fourth to perform. and for the first time in a long time I got nervous... and it wasn't that bad while I was sitting down, I mean, just the regular butterflies partying it up in my belly, but as soon as I stood up to introduce my song, my frickin legs started to shake! what the heck?! this has never happened to me, and therefore was the only thing going through my mind right before I started singing. anyway, the song I chose I quite happen to like singing, so it was memorized; imprinted onto the very brain that at that moment was incredibly chaotic; I probably could have sung it in my sleep. and for this I was thankful. it's the only thing that saved me. but the thing was, if I stood up straight, with my feet flat on the floor (soloist edicate) my legs had a heyday with this position, shaking all over the place. it was quite embarassing. so, there I was, standing on the outer part of my feet, knees slightly bent singing this Italian aria... man, if my voice teacher was to have looked at me when all this was going on, I don't know what I would have done. I also really wasn't doing the song justice by that point and I was so embarassed of how I was performing that I think I actaully laughed in the middle of the song! What is that?? and then, right after thinking that, one of my legs did this little dance all by itself and as I was trying to ignore it, I saw someone glance down to my leg area and then look back up at me with one of those "oh that sucks" kind of expressions. and then I thought, "Holy Mother of Pearl! does he see what I'm feeling right now?!? Is it really that obvious?!" I think that's when I finished, finally, and the surprising sound of applause allowed me to give one more retarded laugh before I went to rest my poor legs and sit down after such a terrifying event. I was so umipressed with myself. and my legs.
this week I have been happier than a college student at this time of year should be. it's a combination of a lot of things, I guess, but it's actaully surprising to be this light-hearted in the midts of paper writing and exam preparations, even for me...
in my happiness I wrote this little song... last week sometime...
(there is music to it, but I can't really give you that part in this post) (it's kind of a jazzy little number, lots of 7 chords, if you care to know...)
if i play my cards right i'll take you home, if you're lucky but i don't think that's too likely
you see my poker face just ain't what it used to be and i don't win much these days unfortunately
but i think we both know that you're already mine and that this game is just for fun and i think we both know that i'm already yours and that we've already won
but i think with a little luck and a prayer to up above we'll be going home together
and no one will have to know the secret that i withhold: i've never played a game of poker in my life
but i think we both know that you're already mine and that this game is just for fun and i think we both know that i'm already yours and that we've already won
I am happy to announce that it is December 1st and that it is currently 24 days away from Christmas. ahhh... the Christmas season; everything from snow to hot chocolate. I love this time of year, and I'm pretty sure that a lot of my happiest memories stem from this holiday season. It warms the very cockles of my heart. So here are 12 things I love about Christmas: 1. Spending time with my family. This is the most fun we have all year, I think, and the thought of lounging around the living room with my sisters and brothers and mom and papa after a good holiday meal, sipping hot chocolate or enjoying a candy cane off the decorated Christmas tree, its warm light radiating throughout the whole room... oh man... it makes me feel so warm and squishy inside! 2. Baking. This is very fun. Cookies, cakes, squares! Bite size holiday yumminess! The very thing that is purposely and only for self-indulgence and pleasure! Mmmm... (no wonder I gain so much weight at this time of year... it's just too good) Most of all I love how it heats up our house! Haha... 3. I kind of already mentioned it, but Decorating the Tree. For the past two or three years I've missed this event, due to school and other things... Anyway, I love doing it. And I love the decorations from the 70's and the christmas lights that are 15 years old that get too hot to touch (ya not the saftest thing, I know. Maybe se should look into upgrading to LED for the tree this year...) Anyway, when it's all done, it looks that same as it did 15 years ago: Over crowded and tacky. And I love it! 4. Eating. Oh man... If anyone knows me, that's really all I have to say. 5. EggNog... Mmmm... I'm sorry to those that don't agree with me, but eggnog is so delicious. It just makes the holidays complete. And it's kind of special how it's only sold at this time of year. (oh but I found out that they sold it at Thanksgiving this year. I think that's weird, but I don't complain 'cause I like it so much)
6. Oh!! Singing Christmas Carols! This is one thing that makes me the most excited about Christmas. There is a whole set of songs that are only meant for this season, and we only have like two months to sing them!! Ah! I love it! And then I always get sick of them! But then have almost a whole year to get over it! And then start loving them again!! It's a great cycle. Really. 7. Next comes Skating! I really don't do it enough, and almost everytime I do go I dont' do my skates up tight enough and end up with sore ankles... but it's worth it. I love going at night, when it's snowing and on the warmer side (like -10 to -13, without wind chill is perferred) 8. My family always tries to go to a mid-night mass on Christmas Eve. It has just become a kind of tradition, and we usually walk there together... it's just fun. And who ever goes to church at mid-night? This the only time of the year when I do! 9. If I do it early enough, before all the crazy shoppers get out and all hell break loose, Christmas Shopping I do enjoy. I really like buying gifts for other people, it gives me a lot of joy to make someone else happy. 10. The Care-Free Atmosphere I find, almost everywhere I go. It's sometimes hard to see, but if you look closely at people at this time of year, especially close to Christmas, everyone seems to have this light and happy look to them, even though work and school cn be stressful at times. I think it's the hope that comes along with this season. I mean everyone knows that in three weeks, we'll all be relaxed and with the people we love most, mentally preparing ourselves for the New Year (and we all know that hope is new year's sister...) Anyway it's refreshing to see so many light hearted and generous people around. 11. Okay, I realize that this is a little silly, but who doesn't like Recieving Gifts? I mean, other than having your family and friends around and feeling cared about already, a little something special at Christmas time sure does raise the spirits, if you know what I mean! 12. And last, but not least, but something that sometimes goes unoticed (becuase it's so natural) But the whole Romanticism of Christmas. It is probably the most romantified season (well next to Valentine's Day, of course) of all the holidays and seasons of the whole year. Everything from the hot cocoa around the christmas tree, to lights decorating houses, long walks through fluffy falling snow, laughter, singing, and big family meals... it's all just so magical and romantic, don't you think? So that's what I love about Christmas. It is the most wonderful time of the year. *****
I wasted so much time tonight watching this stupid cartoon called Making Fiends. It's about an evil girl called Vendetta and a sickening, sweet, innocent girl named Charlotte who is completely oblivious to anything close to evil. Anyway, it has it's moments of (I don't know if you can call it) humour, but it really was not worth my time tonight, with pressing assignments and papers to finish before the end of the semester.
But then I though, just think of how much time it took for the creator of this site (and she has two other short- film sites like this one) to come up with all these silly episodes, draw them all, do voice-overs for all of them put them on the stupid site, then design the site with "extras" and other links.... Then I didn't feel so bad about my 45 min. of wasted time...
(no offense to the creator of the site, she probably really enjoys doing stuff like that, but I don't really enjoy wasting my time on it)
(this painting is called Day Dreaming. I thought it was cool)
while I sat at a computer today trying to do some work, I started thinking about why the crap I was there. I mean, how did I end up sitting in that particular chair at that particular computer, at Providence College?
do you ever wonder about these things? it's like looking at yourself from someone else's perspective, and if I do it for too long, I end up scaring myself a bit. I mean it's weird.
but it's at times like these when I wonder how some people think that the spiritual world doesn't exist, or that human beings don't have souls. how then, do they explain something like this?
when I was sitting at that computer, it was almost like I was floating away, like in a daydream. everyone knows that feeling. eventually you snap back to reality with a tap on the shoulder, or a door closing, and then you realize after that you didn't hear the door open, or that person approach you. it was almost as if your senses were turned off for a while. it kind of freaks me out when that happens.
I think it may have something to do with our souls. I mean it's like my soul was in tuned with the spiritual world for a second and then snapped back into the physical world bringing back my awareness of my surroundings. it kind of brings new light to the saying "wandering soul" for me. my mom has called me that before, and I know that as I kid I would daydream a lot, but what if it wasn't day dreaming? what if my soul was actually wandering a bit, longing to go somewhere new, somewhere away and out of the weak and dirty, stinking thing we call a body? I am aware that that is a little harsh, but isn't there something deep inside that agrees?
I definitely don't know enough about the spiritual, or even the physical world to prove any of this. and I only have personal experiences to go on, probably not enough to support my theory... anyway, it was on my mind today. I didn't actually want to publish this post, but then I remembered that everyone already thinks I'm weird, so there's really no harm. ha ha....
Anyway, I decided to make a list of the things I am thankful for. Mostly because the Christmas Season is nearly upon us and I have a hard time not noticing the good things in my life, but also after hearing a very sad and unfortunate story earlier today, I realized that even though I have problems in my life and some issues that need to be dealt with, my life isn't really that bad. I have a lot to be thankful for. So in no particular order....
the clothes that fill my dresser and closet grandparents far away thinking of me movies that make me laugh sunsets that make me feel small food that fills my belly three times a day a home surrounded in love music the innocent laughter of children education our "one great city" the freedom to express myself feeling safe while I sleep a mom and a dad who love me the fact that I can read that I can listen and see and talk to people my sisters, who put other sisters to shame a church that I can go to in my pj's a bed that I can sleep in friends that I can joke with a voice I can sing with hands that I can play piano with a boyfriend that I don't deserve laughter love life
I don't think I can list everything, it might go on for pages...
I really thought that the couple of big snow falls that we had were going to stay, but they slowly melted away, not planning to return for a while... What happened there? Winter? Are you coming at all this year? It seems so strange to me that almost everyone has their Christmas lights up covering roof tops and trees and what ever else they put them on. Anyway, it's wierd seeing Christmas lights without snow covering the ground. I mean there's nothing. And it's already getting to the end of November... So I decided to write an
***Ode to Snow***
(sorry cynthia and corrie, I just need more time with the rockets... they mean so much to me, I can't seem to sum them up just yet)
Snow. Snow. Snow. Pure, white, perfect. You cover this ugly, dead earth with a blanket so loving, each of your flakes unique and beautiful fall to the ground. And as each snowflake takes it's place, together they offer this earth protection and warmth through the cold and dark season of winter. You make Christmas complete, decorating the houses and trees like icing. You make children endlessly happy with your banks deep and inviting. You make the black winter nights seem lighter and the daytime brighter. Snow, it would not be winter without you! Bless us with your abundant flakes once again and save this season of endless night with your blanket of comfort, purity and warmth.
anyway, I promised a couple of posts ago that I would list the things that I felt were good about having teeth ripped out of your gums and dealing with the healing process afterwards... here ya go. (but I don't think I can come up with 10, so...)
Top 7Positive Things About Having Your Teeth Ripped Out Of Your Gums And Dealing With The Healing Process:
7. I actually got quite a few laughs at the physical condition of my face during the worst part of it, and I like making people laugh. So the Chipmunk Cheeks were pretty fun.
6. Being able to lay in bed all day and Watch as Much TV As I Wanted was pretty alright, and the not-having-to-feel-guilty-about-it part was good too.
5. Having Everything Brought To Me while laying or sitting down all day, now that was probably one of the better perks, even though after a while I got frustrated with not being able to do anything for myself...
4. Even thought I didn't eat that much food, Spoon Feeding Myself Yummy Smoothies was one of my favorite things to do, becuase they were all so good!
3. This one obviously gets third place because Getting School Off For Three Days, right before the busy time of the semester starts can be really relaxing and was a good time to mentally prepare myself. (even thought I hardly did any homework... ah ha ha....)
2. I think during my "healing process", because I wasn't allowed to eat any solid food, which cut out bread, pasta, meat, raw vegies, hard fruit, coffee, chocolate, candy and pretty much everything else that doesn't taste good blended or mushed, etc.... I ended up Losing Weight. I think around 5 or 6 pounds. So I decided to come up with a new diet. It's called the "Lose a tooth Lose a Pound!" diet, with a sister-diet (just in time for Christmas!!) called "Lose 2, Gain the Loss of 5!"
1. And the number one positive thing about getting my wisdom teeth pulled is the fact that I HAVE NAILS!!!! I haven't had nails ever! and I actually couldn't physically bite my nails for almost two weeks!! I mean they aren't the best right now, like thin and not very strong, but they are there!! I didn't actaully notice them until I scratched myself and then thought.. "Hey wait a minute! I SCRATCHED MYSELF!!! YEHAW!!!" well that's what is was like in my head anyway... But I am pretty happy about the things I gained during my experience, especailly the "lose a couple teeth, gain a few nails" part.
So that's it. And even though I'm kind of making fun of this experience, I'm just above all else glad that I didn't have any complications or problems. I mean things could have been so much worse. So I was pretty lucky!
so I was going to list another ten things you might not know about me today, but then I got lazy, then I thought I'd give you five things I did today so far, because it requires less thinking...
1. I tried to sing at my voice lesson with my mouth only half open (which wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be, it actually start to hurt a bit)
2. I ate some surprisingly good corn/potato chowda for lunch from the small bistro at school.
3. I sent myself an email. (I'm having a lonely day, okay?)
4. I brought my antibiotics to school with me, so I was pretending to be House and keep them in my pocket all day and then every once and a while nonchalauntly open the bottle and pop one into my mouth... but I couldn't actually do it because I can't swallow pills dry like that, and also because I only take 1 while I'm at school. So it was only kind of fun.
5. I spent a good amount of time on the internet trying to find out how to do the "knit" stitch. I found some helpful videos and saved them to my flash drive. It was a blasty blast.
So that was about it during this boring day.
oh I forgot to mention that I got an 8.8/10 on a Music History paper, which beat my last 8.5/10, so that was encouraging. and when talking to my professor for that class he complimented me on my solid paper writing. HA! solid paper writing my butt. has anyone seen a paper that I've written? bad bad bad... anyway, I figure that it's at least good for my self-esteem to hear something good about myself, even if it is a music professor commenting on my (what I like to call) "writing" "skills" (yes, each of those words get their own "quotation" marks)
So today as I was picking up some drugs, oh I mean "medication" at the local pharmacist. Becky was with me and found it hard to comment on the side effects of the antibiotics I was getting. DAAIENG! was mentioned after the possible side effect of constipation... then followed by "I don't think I'll ever be able to be serious about anything." It actaully made my day.
-slept in wednesday morning -had a surprisingly good breakfast -phoned the dentist to see if they could fit me in for a check-up on my blasted wisdom teeth -really didn't think it was going to happen -1 phone call later had an appointment for 3:40pm -went to the appointment thinking I was going to get a check-up -a little surprised and confused when the word "extraction" was used more than once -20 min later found myself sitting in a pretty comfortable chair, and noticed that my face was thoroughly frozen with the "Extractinator" looming over me -then I heard the words "pass me the knife", and almost passed out -a lot of pressure -then the sound of one my teeth cracking into pieces, and being taken out -I think the other tooth was in one piece, but it was a little stubborn, so it took just as long as the first one -then I thought it was over -sat up a bit, feeling like someone had just taken advantage of my poor mouth with a scauple -was a little unsteady -finally got home -couldn't eat anything -after pain killers and movies, went to bed and didn't sleep all night -woke up the next day and spoon fed myself all meals -watched a rediculous amount of television -layed around -went to bed and had more sleep... finally -woke up, ate (well more like swallowed) breakfast -watched too much tv -layed around
and hardly talked during all of this... it was harder than I thought. and the pain still isn't over.
worst things about getting your wisdom teeth removed: -having to change the bloody gauze every half an hour after the procedure -not being allowed to eat good food -forgetting to take more medication when you still feel okay so you don't have to sit through the pain for an hour waitng for the tylenol to kick in -not being able to brush your teeth very well -having to woosh salt water around in your mouth 4 times a day - oh and feeling like a bloated-faced chipmunk who was run over by a car then smashed in the face with a two-by-four, resulting in a broken jaw.
I 'll tell you the good things after I'm recovered.
You know that feeling when a Tuesdsy feels like a Wednesday, and then it throws off your whole week? Well that happened to me this week and it only makes sense that if you think that your Tuesday is your Wednesday, then your Wednesday is your Thursday, then your Thursday is your Friday... but then when you get to your actual Friday, it's definitely not Saturday because you would be sleeping in and maybe eating pancakes or something. So, this morning I woke up feeling like it was Saturday, but remembering it's Friday, but then thinking, wasn't it just Friday just yesterday? What the heck? So I basically had two Fridays this week, the first one obviously being the worst. I don't even want to know what my weekend will be like...
So anyway, this got me to thinking about cheese. And how I love it. I acutally wrote a little "ode to cheese" about it. It goes like this:
Oh, Cheese You make a meal dilectable Where would macroni be without you? You compliment the cracker And complete the casserole Grilled bread without you is like Christmas without presents Poor broccoli without your creamy sauce is naked and lonely Croissants call your name in a hope that you would cover them You raise the fat content in food But the flavour is unsurpassable And you are a good source of dairy Oh, Cheese You have changed the face of food forever What would we do without you?
there was this guy in highschool that I had this huge crush on. later I found out that he liked me too, but nothing other than a lot of flirting and hugs came of it. he really was and is a great guy. as I type this he is actually training to become a great actor, or a broadway star or maybe something else. whatever it is, he sure has the talent. anyway, when I still did like him there was a point in our friendship where I was either jealous of the girls he would hang out with, or he wasn't paying any attention to me, or else he was really being a jerk. I'm not quite sure which one it was, but I know that it bothered me enough for me to write this, dedicated to him: (after reading it through again, I think I was intending it to be a rap... so have a funky rap beat in your mind when you read this)
It's called "Mr. Ego"
Woah little ego now, don't fly too high
You know mama's not gonna
catch you out of the sky
You don't know what you're doin
to your peeps all around
Breakin their hearts
Meanwhile destroyin what they found
I thought I knew you but I didn't I thought you knew me but you don't I thought that you would change a little I though that you would but you won't
You were such a nice guy Now where did you go? You left us all alone hopin that maybe you'd show You kept us way too long standing high on our toes until we all thought a minute and realized that this blows
I though I knew you but I didn't I thought you knew me but you don't I thought that you would change a little I thought that you would but you won't
So, after I wrote this he somehow read this and was really hurt by it. I felt really bad, but I was just expressing myself! what else was I supposed to do? anyway, if that guy ever reads this again, I really am sorry, becuase I think you're gonna be great and no silly girl from highschool could change that, even if she was a jerk.
I was dreaming a dream last night, and much to my delight I was wearing spandex on the moon Wearning spandex on the moon
'Caught a ride on a shooting star It didn't take me very far I just want to be with you wearing spandex on the moon
And babe, when we get there I will take your hand and guide you to where we'll meet Mr. Sandman And he'll dream us a dream that'll take us far away in our neon greens where we will spend a day wearing spandex on the moon spandex on the moon
I just want to be with you, oh... I just want to be with you on the moon
drivers waving thankyou after you let them infront of you
drivers flipin' you the bird when you don't let them infront of you driving someone else's car
eating great food making great food going out for great food watching cooking shows
putting on clean socks seeing laundry hanging on a clothes line wearing pj's fresh out of the dryer clothes that are in the dryer too long that kind of smell burnt
watching a movie on a cold day with blankets and hot chocolate and sisters paying too much at the movie theartre to see a stupid movie renting movies and then forgetting to return them watching a movie too many times
finding out you have more time than you think
spending time doing something you don't really want to do
having a dumb song stuck in your head for days
trying on clothes you know you won't ever purchase getting hand-me-downs wearing out your favourite pair of jeans making a new outfit out of old clothes
laughing so hard you cry the silence after a bad joke being able to laugh at yourself laughing in the wrong place at the wrong time
(this picture totally makes me nose look HUGE. no but seriously, I get it from my dad)
okay, so it turns out that I'm better than I thought. why did it take me so long to do something about it? who knows... maybe I was shy. so I'm kind of a smidget "out there" and now I don't know what to do. I just realized that I haven't actually said what I'm talking about.
I sang a few of my songs as an opening for Don Amero's CD release party... and it turns out that poeple liked me even more than I like myself... I'm kidding, I like myself a lot. But the over-all response to my music and my performing was more than I ever expected and filled me with emotion and inspiration. anyway, it got me to thinking that I could (maybe) do more...
i'm happy, and a little scared, and a little nervous because I think I might actaully do something about it, but I don't know when I'm starting because I don't actually know where to start, but I really do thank all those that supported me, you believed in me before I even did. that was the longest sentence ever... cynthia and corrie are probably cringing... ha ha... well maybe not.
so, does this mean I'm a rockstar? (ha ha... a joke) what would you even call me? I don't even know the style in which I sing and play.... hhmmm... help me out.
I'm a little excited, a little sick and a little over-tired... (it seems that I'm like that all the time with Nick and I don't know how he hasn't given up on me yet)
that comment was totally out of context. but it's sometimes hard to believe that he still loves me, even though I tell him what he already knows all the time and I constantly make fun of him, and I make him drive halfway across the city to see me all the time and get him to take me out for breakfast, lunch and dinner... and even though he does all that willingly, I still can't believe it, is that what you call love? I mean, not the fact that he's spending all this time and money on me, but the act of sacrifice? I don't know. I just know that I don't deserve it and I'm incredibly lucky to have a guy like him, even though he washes his car too often. I love him. Let it be known.(this is my pookie below, and even though his eyes are closed and my sunglasses are crooked, I still like the picture, mostly becuase it's one of two that I have. Does anybody else have any pictures of us?)
Apparently the new thing now is to get married. I mean, not for everyone, but I think I have finally reached the age where this type of occurance happens quite regularily to people that I actaully know. I didn't think I would get here for another few years at least. Within the last week, two fellow commuters got married (actually I don't know them at all, but I ate lunch with them once...) AND I also heard of THREE couples (most of whom I know personally) who got engaged! I mean, people are always getting engaged and I just happen to attend a Christian college that is well known as a "bridal college", so it's not really that rare. But it's a little weird when you know all the people who are getting hitched. I can't help but feel a little left out. (hee hee...) I also thought it was weird because all of them are still in school, with one or more years of school left. When did people start getting married while still in shcool? I see it all the time now and it doens't really surprise me, and I'm also not a traditionalist or anything, but don't people usaully wait until after they're done school? And these people are young too! One younger than me and I'm only 20! I heard and seen first hand (and by that I mean seen from a distance my sibiling's marriages) that married life is usually a little bit stressful and busy in the beginning. First getting married, finding a place to live, then buying all the required furnishings and food and such for their new home. But then just think of adding school to that for one or even both of the two getting married. It's almost crazy. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's wrong to get married young, and to the people who do, as well as go to school and work and all that, kudos to you. I guess I just like things to be less busy and less stressful. I would rather wait until I was done school so I could concentrate on a new chapter of life like marriage. Like I said, I'm only 20 and I still have a lot of things to learn about myself, about life, about love and friendship, about responsibility, and more that I'm not even aware of right now. I think it's important to sort these things out for myself before I get someone else involved. Though some of those things can be learned together, a lot of them have to do with self-discovery and independance; basically getting to know yourself and growing up a bit. (the rephrasing was for me, not you) I guess what I'm trying to say is: what's the rush? I like slow cookers. They take their time, and use the natural juices of the food in which they are cooking to create moistness and flavour and yummy goodness... mmm... Doesn't that sound good? Taking it slow can be good too.
* I wouldn't recommend taking it as slow as not kissing for the first eight months of a relationship (ha ha, jokes on me), but all those who I had mentioned about getting engaged were infact engaged around 8 months into their relationships. (no joke there) **while I was looking for pictures of crockpots, I Googled "what do crock pots do?" in Google Images... haha. Try it and look what picture it brings up, #2 of the second row. How random is that?
1. I'm a procrastinator. (it sucks, but I'm not gonna do anything about it)
2. Halloween is just around the corner which reminds me... I LOVE ROCKETS!! I can eat them until my tongue bleeds... yum... (not the blood, the rockets)
3. I hate conflict with a passion... whenever people are in a big disagreement with eachother, or at odds with one another, my stomach starts churning... it's not a great thing.
4. My short term memory sucks. (well sometimes just my memory in general sucks)
5. I love this one drink at Starbucks Coffee so much... it's called a Blackberry, Green Tea Frappuccino. oh it's so delicious. (the only downer is that it costs over 4 dollars... but I splurge sometimes, it's worth it)
6. I'm a nail biter... and I bad one too. It bites... literally.
7. I love brushing my teeth so much, sometimes I brush them three times a day. But you can't really tell...
8. Spearmint gum gives me a headache and I don't know why. And I also get a small stomach ache if I eat a banana or drink a glass of chocolate milk too fast... it's wierd man.
9. I am very emotional. I mean I cry at anything, although I hide it pretty good.
10. If I shower everyday, it dries out my skin, so I only shower every second to third day. It's acutally healthier to be a little dirty, did you know that? I'm not just making it up to cover my butt, it's true.
He kissed her forehead as she sighed, it had been a long day. Enjoyable, exciting and fun, but long. They were both exhausted and ready to sleep, but she, without warning, propped herself up on one elbow and looked him in the eyes with a serious yet playful smile. "Are you afraid of talking about marriage?" she asked, still smiling. Slightly taken aback, he looked across the room to ponder this suddenly, off-topic question. After a minute, while she stared intently at him waiting for an answer, he shook his head "No", which made her smile even more. He had noticed that she smiled a lot and he loved that about her. "No", he finally said aloud. "Why? Do you want to get married?" She giggled at this, a little embarrassed but otherwise happy that he could talked about it comfortably. What a silly question, she thought, of course I want to get married. "Well, maybe someday", was her reply. But then she added, "Do you think you'll marry me ?" And almost without any hesitation he asked her, "Well, why wouldn't I?" "I don't know", was the only automatic phrase that her shocked brain would let her voice. To be truthful, she had never thought about it before. Why shouldn't he marry her? And then something changed. She didn't know what. Maybe it was the tone in his voice that seemed different to her, or the unplanned conversation. It could have been the position of the moon for all she knew, but it was neither awkward or uncomfortable, it was just... different. She wondered if he had noticed it too, but the silence suddenly reminded her that she hadn't answered his question. "I haven't thought up a good reason yet!" she grinned, only half joking. But he just laughed and held her closer.
(this picture montage is a little weird, but whatever)
1. I kind of like the after-taste of the combination of freshly brushed teeth and orange juice. Weird, I know...
2. I love driving long distances (except for in the mountains.)
3. Autumn is actually my favourite season.
4. If I could meet with any artist right now to discuss song writing and music composition, it would be Rufus Wainwright.
5. I don't really like mustaches.
6. I like seafood just as much as I like paper-cutting myself in between my fingers. (with fish as an exception)
7. My biggest dream is to be a professional musician. I want to write songs and compose music and share it with the world.
8. I actually like animals quite a bit, but I'm not ready to own one yet.
9. I'm becoming more familiar with cheeses. I love them, not all of them, but I've tried a lot of new ones in the last year or so, and my love for cheese is growing.
10. I don't really like to wear make-up. I'm wearing mascara right now, but I just find it time consuming and pointless most of the time. I mean I like the way I look when I'm all made up, but the truth of the matter is it's not the real me and I hate washing it off every night. Not to mention it costs a lot.
What kind of sick joke is waking up with a cold? I mean, I wonder if Jesus ever felt fine one day and then woke up with a full-blown cold the morning. Probably not. Perfect beings don't have to put up with this crap. Unfair. And it seems whenever I do get a cold it always sets up camp in my head. I can only remember one other cold I had that wasn't in my head... But why is that? Is my body immune to all other colds but head colds? And if you have ever had one, they are the worst ones to get. All the symptoms have you either bed ridden or 'on the couch all day' ridden. And it hurts to read or look at anything closely, and you can really do without loud noises, and bright lights are irritating, and stupid, nonsence conversations are like the devil.... I wishI could just get one of those colds that has you coughing for three weeks afterward. At least you can get used to that, and start ignoring it after a while. But no, I have to sit in my bed and do nothing. And then everything around you starts feeling sick too. The sheets and pillow cases all of the sudden feel like the plague is attached to them, and the glass that you use to sallow your head medicine has to be washed everytime you use it, and even the clothes you wear feel dirty, even if you just put them on that morning... I don't really get sick that often, but it always seems to get me where it hurts the most... Like all colds do.
There are only some things I understand. The rest of it all scares the crap out of me. This is how I feel just about everyday. I believe that my left brain is almost not there. My right brain has almost no relationahip with my left brain, and those of you who know me see that this is very obvious. Although, my right brain is quite smart. Smart enought to make others think that I do in fact have a fully functioning left brain that converses with the other side and that they are good friends, but that is a lie. Some people are lucky enough to have both sides working together in an orderly fashion. Those are lucky people. But looks at these characteristics:
Left Brain Logical (not me) Sequential (mmm.... not me) Rational (only somtimes, with help from others) Analytical (okay, I am very much this, but not out loud) Objective (nope) Looks at parts (haha... I wish)
Right Brain Random (HA! random is my middle name) Intuitive (most of the time true) Holistic (I think in holistic terms all the time. it's pretty darn annoying sometimes) Synthesizing (mmhmmmm) Subjective (I am the biggest follower there is... ) Looks at wholes ( I hate this about my self sometimes. can be overwhelming)
Anyway, this is my problem.... too right brained... it's frustrating. And now I have to go work on Music Theory. ugh.... I think I just felt my right brain twitch. And my left brain isn't even moving. Great.
there are times when I think about not having you and my heart aches. I mean, really aches. when I think about you I hold you in my mind as long as I can and hope not to lose you over another silly, insignificant thought. you remind me that I'm something worth loving.
I'm starting to feel the negative effects of school already, and it's only been two weeks, not even. I can't pinpoint what it is, but a place I once loved enough to call home is feeling suddenly empty and unloveable. This is the part about change I hate. I can't even relate to this place anymore and I feel unconnected. This is an unhappy day for me and I wish I had a pomegranate. I think it would help a little more. But the sad and true fact is, they are not in season anymore.
But I thought it would be a good idea for me to make a list of reasons why I love pomegranates so much. Hopefully it will help me to take my mind off the unhappiness of things...
10 Things I Love About Pomegranates:
1. They are like little presents; you crack them open and there are little beads of juicey goodness just waiting for you to crunch down and enjoy.
2. They taste amazing, even if they are a little unripe they're still good. And I love how you can't quite compare them to any other fruit; they are totally unique.
3. Pomegranates are the key ingredient to grenadine, and who doesn't like grenadine?
4. They come (mostly) from the Mediterranean region of the world which gives them that exotic feel.
5. In the Bible the pomegranate is a symbol of eternal life and fertility.
6. When they are in season they're not that expensive.
This is how I felt when I swallowed my gum during class today. I was so taken aback, mostly because I haven't fallen victim to stupid-mouth-syndrom in a long time but also because it was in the middle of my Mission Issues Today class, where I was sitting alone with no one to support me through this moment of panic. This is how it played out:
chew chew (yum winter fresh!) chew... prepare for bubble... bubble post bubble back in mouth syliva.. too much... swallow- UGH!! MOMENTARY SHOCK!! PANIC! NO! this isn't happening to me! (denial) wait! where did it go? why is this happening?? ARRG!! (anger) GUM!! please come back! I'll stop blowing bubbles with you! I promise!! (bargaining) FINE THEN!! stay in my throat! I don't want to chew you anyway!!*tear* (depression) (2 min. later) okay, okay... you're gone I know, I can deal with this. I'll just have to be careful next time I'm chewing you. I can do this! I will chew gum again! (acceptance)
Yes, it was this exciting. And I don't think anyone saw me. But I still feel a little sick. I even had something to drink, but it didn't help. Oh the woes of me
Some one once gave me a journal with the words "express yourself" on the first page. At the time I thought it was incredibly simple and meaningful all at the same time, and it still sort of is to me. But I didn't think that I would have so much trouble doing so in the proceeding pages of this journal. This was all about two or three years ago that this took place, and I still haven't written a word in the journal. It seems so perfect with blank pages, but I think I'm just scared. Scared to mess it up, or scared to look back and think "Why did I write this crap down?" or "What on earth would make me think this was clever or funny". I've thought these things as I've looked over my other journals, and it's like I'm almost scared of myself. My older sister one time told me about how she feels like she had a future and past self that, in some other universe parallel to ours (at least I think that's how she explained it...) and what ever her past self does effects her present self as well as her future self. And if you are understanding this, kudos to you. Anyway, she would sometimes say to herself, while preparing something a week in advance, "Oh, "Future Corrie" will be so happy when she see's that this is done for her!" It always made me laugh. And then I realized that I had been doing that for years I has just never noticed, or maybe I thought it was too silly to voice. So, I then came back to this journal. The journal itself look like it was more than just a few dollars and has the type of pages that are not easily ripped out if one is unhappy with their ramblings.And then it dawned on me: why am I so scared to be myself? So what if I look back on "Past Kim" and even be a little embarassed about what I wrote down? Everyone is a little bit embarassed of me anyway, that's me! I think I just had a hard time being happy with who I was, and who I am, and who I'm going to be. I do care about "Future Kim", but not enough to write down what I think she'd like to hear, or what I think would make her laugh, that just takes to much effort. I mean I know for a fact that she is just as wierd and silly as "Present Kim" and that if they were to spend a day together, the would get along very well. And I know that she will be okay with what decisions I will make today, because she has no choice in the matter.
I just realized I was talking about myself. That is wierd.