Tuesday, May 01, 2012


It's been almost a whole year.
I guess I should've known it would happen again.
It's so sneaky. I think I'm okay, then the next minute, I'm not.
I try to talk myself out of it... "I'm better than this! Just breathe!"
But it slowly builds and starts to take over my world.
Then I can't breathe.
As much air as I'm taking in, you'd think I'd pass out, but it's not enough.
I see darkness trying to creep over my vision.
Fresh air doesn't help.
Everything is wrong. "But there is no reason to panic!" I tell myself.
I'm hot. And cold. And dizzy. I don't think it is going to stop.
I look for him, my husband, watching me from our bed.
He doesn't know how to help. He can't feel how out of control I am.
But I need him. I get off the floor and find my way to the bed.
I can't control the breathing.
I lay beside him. He's warm.
His arms surrounds me, and his steady hand starts to circle my back.
He's done this before. He knows how to chase away the panic that has taken over.
I don't know what I'd do without him at this point.
I concentrate on the slow, steady circles. My heart begins to slow.
My mind stops spinning, and I realize how tired I am.
How long has it been? Did I wake the baby?
My breathing starts to become manageable.
But my head is pounding.
Sleep. I just want sweet sleep.

He called from work this morning to see how I was.

I was hoping it was just a nightmare.


Krista said...

Praying peace for you, friend.

Rachel Esther said...

Hi, just came across your blog (via your aunt (??) michele). I experienced this same thing last night and reading it in your words... It is precious to know I'm not the only one who experiences both the panic and the blessing of a husband who does what he can.

Be at peace today. Rachel

Mom-Nana said...

My prayers and loving thoughts are with you, Kim. I praise God that He has given you Nick with the tender love and preciousness you have for one another. I feel at peace that you are in his arms now and God's always.