Some one once gave me a journal with the words "express yourself" on the first page. At the time I thought it was incredibly simple and meaningful all at the same time, and it still sort of is to me. But I didn't think that I would have so much trouble doing so in the proceeding pages of this journal. This was all about two or three years ago that this took place, and I still haven't written a word in the journal. It seems so perfect with blank pages, but I think I'm just scared. Scared to mess it up, or scared to look back and think "Why did I write this crap down?" or "What on earth would make me think this was clever or funny". I've thought these things as I've looked over my other journals, and it's like I'm almost scared of myself.
My older sister one time told me about how she feels like she had a future and past self that, in some other universe parallel to ours (at least I think that's how she explained it...) and what ever her past self does effects her present self as well as her future self. And if you are understanding this, kudos to you. Anyway, she would sometimes say to herself, while preparing something a week in advance, "Oh, "Future Corrie" will be so happy when she see's that this is done for her!" It always made me laugh. And then I realized that I had been doing that for years I has just never noticed, or maybe I thought it was too silly to voice.
So, I then came back to this journal. The journal itself look like it was more than just a few dollars and has the type of pages that are not easily ripped out if one is unhappy with their ramblings. And then it dawned on me: why am I so scared to be myself? So what if I look back on "Past Kim" and even be a little embarassed about what I wrote down? Everyone is a little bit embarassed of me anyway, that's me! I think I just had a hard time being happy with who I was, and who I am, and who I'm going to be. I do care about "Future Kim", but not enough to write down what I think she'd like to hear, or what I think would make her laugh, that just takes to much effort. I mean I know for a fact that she is just as wierd and silly as "Present Kim" and that if they were to spend a day together, the would get along very well. And I know that she will be okay with what decisions I will make today, because she has no choice in the matter.
I just realized I was talking about myself. That is wierd.